I’m back. It’s been a while. I guess it would be fitting for me to begin with an update. The first thing I’ll start with is I finally secured that desperately needed job which I started and was doing pretty well until the lockdown happened, then I had to take on the new role of teacher mum where I’m developing a deeper understanding of my sons weaker areas and what exactly he needs to learn to progress and then most recently I have been able to understand a mental health episode outside of myself and use my lived experience to help someone else! Check me out!
Working 9 to 5
After working in my new office role for a few weeks I began feeling depressed. I had not had a boss or manager for quite some time which did and didn’t bother me. I was reminded of the freedom I had to work on my freelance photography at my own pace and how much I loved the work I was doing. The only thing that bothered me was all the free work I had to do while fine-tuning my craft and working on my portfolio. I suddenly realised my worth and it began to feel pointless continuing to produce work with no financial or experiential benefit. The step back was good. Onto the next stage. A work associate helped me define where I am and I feel proud to say I’m no longer at the bottom which is what I was thinking and feeling. They reignited my confidence with this simple statement. “You are at the bottom of the top, not the top of the bottom”. It may not seem significant to some but to me, it demonstrates growth and hope. I’m not where I want to be but I can’t give up. On reflection Doctor M commenting “ailing business” had quite a negative impact. Those words have haunted me for years.
Homeschool
While having to provide learning for my son during the lockdown, I’ve had to battle with the feeling of failure and neglect which exacerbated stress and anxiety. Trying to teach him from his school’s lesson plan while realising he is currently missing some foundational understanding was proving hard. I decided to deviate from the lesson and work on the gaps in his learning. I was nervous about my choice but also the decision I was making as his mother but I wanted to help his confidence while working towards him reaching the “correct” levels. I also enlisted the help of Kumon which is going pretty well and we also had an online assessment which reconfirmed and provided more insight into his gaps in education. I’ve had the internal conversation of my fault, teachers fault, schools fault, educational systems fault and I’ve concluded that it doesn’t matter right now. I’ve worked on and implemented a solution which I can review. After speaking with his teacher on Monday which I was dreading I’m feeling confident in my decision along with a few tips she gave me I’m hoping we can close the gap or at least reduce it. Proud of myself learning to adult!
Nursing Back Health
I’ve had more than my share of mental health episodes. I consider some of my diagnosis my superpowers while rejecting others. Come to think of it my opinion and mouth are probably contributing factors for my recent Diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was deeply offended when a Doctor I had seen for the second or third time declared it. Reminded me of the time I was given medication for Depression which triggered mania, paranoia, a hallucination and subsequently a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia and has me on that journey of questions and discovery. With each episode adding to my Lived Experience and being around similar minded people my questions evolve. Recently I had to care for a loved one and got to experience a different side. It was almost like looking in a mirror but giving me the perspective of my family with clarity on their decision to hospitalise me. It’s been difficult trying to care for someone I love so much while they go through their episode. The occasional thought of perhaps professionals would be able to care for them better. The echo of the Senior Nurse on the ward “You’re not the trained professional”, on repeat after I tried to comfort and reassure another patient, made me withdraw and retreat to just looking after, caring and thinking about myself and carried on until now. I would never want to decide to have my nearest and dearest hospitalised. I’ve been there on more than one occasion and while on reflection I can now see some positives I’m still haunted by the negatives and triggered when it comes to them handling my care but having to care for someone suffering from their mental health, the responsibility and weight of it is something I’ve never experienced and has been a serious eye-opener. I have a new perspective. I always wondered how could they put me in hospital and perhaps subconsciously held a grudge. I now realise how difficult it is trying to take care of someone during a crisis which is a new perspective for me.
Back to the Future
During the lockdown, I’ve spent some time watching documentaries and reading trying to make sense of certain things.
I’m almost done with timelining events and identifying the specific areas I’m having trouble moving on from, I remember doing this with a counsellor who helped me in the past so it feels like the right thing to do to help myself in the pursuit of closure.
I can, I will – Goal Setting
I was inspired by a mental health blogger when they set a challenge back in February. I completed several challenges which reminded me of positive ways to be productive. In May I set a few small goals once I tackled them I felt a sense of accomplishment and joy from getting shit done. Group therapy taught me that I should reward myself. I just need to think of a reward and set some goals for this month.
c7azybeautiful 