Glitch in the Matrix

Deja Vu

My production levels started well last week but by Wednesday I found myself distracted by social media. Endless scrolling on issues such as Black Lives Matter and COVID 19. I then got distracted by a particular Celebrities posts. He seemed to be posting manically which I identified immediately because that was me declaring in 2015 and 2018 that I was a glitch in the matrix and then, I was sectioned. He’s been open in the past about His Mental Health and diagnosis of Bipolar and I follow him because I have an overwhelming empathy and hope for his future successes. I scrolled through his feed and could see pain, hurt and questions relating to his past. I sent him a private message reminding him of an interview he did after being diagnosed where he said: “I wish someone would have told me to put down my phone” hoping he would see but knowing he probably wouldn’t and then I scrolled through the comments from people who for the most part could see what I saw. When he posted a picture of some food and said he hadn’t eaten in days and His friend had taken him food, I felt relieved. I thought if he wasn’t eating, chances are he wasn’t sleeping either. If he could get some food and sleep he would probably get back to baseline quicker. The following day my heart sunk when he posted a tweet that said he had been sectioned and when he posted a selfie I remembered mine. Deja Vu! He then followed with thank you NHS for the food pictures, then came angry tweets about his family for having him sectioned. I knew I was being triggered but I couldn’t help continually checking to see how he was doing. Over the weekend he tweeted about his need for cigarettes as he had not smoked in a few days and then “no one is listening”. Even though they were his words and it was his experience everything he said echoed my words and sentiments. Except he was receiving comment after comment from followers who for the most part are probably strangers just like me. I’ve no idea how that feels but I can imagine reading comment after comment and feeling mentally exhausted. By the end of the weekend, I could see his tweets and posts were more “PC” and he like me had probably archived the one’s most people wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t sleep on Sunday night so I put a movie on which helped me fall asleep (twice) but after two 2-hours I woke again after having a bad dream. I dreamt I was in Hosptial and woke up crying. I managed to fall back asleep and when I woke up on Monday morning I was relieved I felt okay but felt like my past is still my present.

Triggers

As part of my recovery, my GP told me it might be helpful to write down things that can trigger me (he never actually used the word “trigger” I’m just going with it for all intents and purposes…and feeling slightly chuffed with myself for using the phrase “all intents and purposes” while trying not to second guess myself about whether I’m using it in the correct context) and although these last few weeks have been obvious triggers they also form part of my motivation. In this current climate of campaigns and movements which are all geared towards the greater good #mentalhealthmatters to me. It is #timetotalk and #endthestigma because every #mentalhealthwarrior has a c7azybeautiful story worth telling.

Keep Calm & Carry On 

I’ve no idea how to blog. Blogging to me is just a way to share my story, journey and battle. A way for me to become confident with writing and finding a voice that was shattered during childhood. Everyone seems to be on social media, up on current events and I’ve been hiding since 2015 after feeling ashamed from hypomanic posting which probably wasn’t as bad as presenting my hypomanic self at work years before I was even diagnosed. I avoid social media because it triggers me, News because it triggers me and busy places. After all, it triggers me. Today I identified I can be triggered. Annoyingly the word itself produces a level of discomfort but on the upside, this weeks post felt a bit more interesting than my original plan of “Mental Health, Money & Me”.