Random ramblings

I’ve been feeling exhausted. Not physically but mentally. Tired of my thoughts, tired of overthinking, tired of any and everything I think I have to do, should do, want to do but don’t. I know I should be practising self-care, but when I take a moment to think about what to do, all I come up with are things based on bettering my career path. I can’t seem to shake this feeling of underachievement or stop myself from being disappointed that plan A is on the backburner while I work on plan D, because plan B & C are still a work in progress. When my Doctor told me to create plan B, I at first decided against it because plan A was the dream. For the first time in while I was happy and passionate about my job until I wasn’t after my second section and began telling myself, I can’t do this. The truth was I could, I couldn’t do it the way I was, but I could probably do it. I reluctantly came up with B because I wasn’t making a steady or reliable income from plan A. I got a job (plan B). I’m not too fond of it, and if I’m honest, the lockdown saved me from probably slipping into depression. I came up with plan C and D and did some work on plan A, and now I’m torturing myself trying to bring plan C or D into fruition. It’s times like this that I miss hypomania and wish I had use of that superpower as and when I need it. I wonder if that’s possible. I know it probably sounds crazy, but why can I not tap into my hypomanic superpower? I’m not saying I’m a superhero because I want to use my superpower for my good. I’ve no immediate plans to risk my life trying to save the world or the planet. I’m just about managing to keep my shit together. I need superhuman strength to get through home learning with my son during the week after a weekend spent playing video games at his dad’s. Yes, I’m resentful and bitter because I’m the nagging, moody parent who is reigning on his fun parade while I try desperately to help my son not fall further behind. I feel like I’m reaching the maximum capacity. I considered calling my GP for a top-up of diazepam, and I wouldn’t say no to being a seven on the mood scale.

I’ve been feeling anxiety trying to take hold of me. Moments from the last 3-4 weeks are taking their toll. I know I have to make self-care a priority for this week. No to-do lists, goals or the like. Just simple self-care.