Back to the Future II*

After a period away I finally feel compelled to write another post after having a ahh moment on my way home from work today. I think it was brought on by none other than Paris Hilton. After watching her recent documentary I related to her experience although not the same but being sectioned twice. The feelings of hurt because my family allowed it but also not being heard properly when I tried expressing the experiences I was having at the hands of the medical professionals. I then read about a mental health facility being exposed for their treatment of patients. Not to mention a friend of the family gaining employment in a facility and expressing concern about the treatment of patients. I suddenly realised that while I am fortunate to not have been on the end of serious abuse while being detained, my experience has had me in a state of confusion and shock for a long time. While also feeling sad and helpless for those who have similar and worse experiences.

Without going into details, I was bullied, threatened, lied to, lied about, psychically mishandled, had my hair pulled, held down and forced to give blood.

Then I was ignored and not given the appropriate treatment I desperately needed after being the victim of a traumatic event.

It had taken me most of my life to find my voice and I was left without it. Unable to voice what had happened because I didn’t feel safe. With anyone. I retreated to a life of isolation that I’m still struggling to overcome but today for the first time since I came out of hospital I feel peace. No more sadness, hurt, or pain. I feel free because for some reason I’ve made sense of it all. I no longer have pain and anger festering inside my heart. I feel like I’m ready to let the wall down I’d built up to protect what was left of a life I still want to live. A life I was ready to leave almost a year ago when I started planning my way out of this world. Choosing to stay was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, forcing myself everyday to live.

Crying out to God was the game changer for me. Falling on my face and knees and begging for help and instantly my prayer being answered when I received a wave of peace. Which made no logical sense but made complete sense because I knew it was by His grace and mercy.

Faith … the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.

He increased my faith which I once had in abundance but completely took for granted.

*Back to the Future II was drafted in September 2020 and actually posted today. Insecurities stopped me from posting but as I’ve come back to check. I’ve realised I had no reason not to post. It seems fine. It’s my life, my journey and my experiences. A posted journal if you will. I’m glad I dared to do!