Oops. Mania strikes again!

As we draw closer to the end of May and the official ‘Mental Health Month’, I’ve been mulling over being a beneficiary of mental health services. I’ve wanted to find a way to raise awareness for a while and have considered volunteering and advocacy as I’ve felt for a long time that an important attribute to other sufferers is lived experience. I started this blog last year during the lockdown, and while I am disappointed it fizzled out as I returned to work, it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I found myself obsessing over traumatic experiences and unable to let go, which I realised was unhealthy but couldn’t shake off the ‘I’m not gonna let them get away with it.’ I learned the newfound love for the NHS fueled this and while everyone was singing their praises, I was enraged by my negative experiences with the mental health services and constantly triggered. Then came the advice that I immediately wanted to disregard, but over time it was essential for me to ‘let it go’ so I packed up all the ‘evidence’ I had, which consisted of medical reports I had picked apart, diary entries and audio recordings I had collected to support the feelings, thoughts and opinions I had of the shocking treatment I had received along with overuse and abuse of powers. As the weeks went on, I stopped trying to make sense of the events that I had been reliving.

It’s been almost a year, and that age-old saying “out of sight, out of mind” rings true.  My mind is no longer on seeking justification or retribution.  I am pursuing a degree with Open University (1 year down) and focusing on positive things.  I’m on meds for anxiety which I never thought I’d take. Still, they’re not antipsychotic and help with the physical symptoms (rescue remedy was no longer cutting it alone).  

Although this last month has been pretty tough, being in constant conflict with my daughter, I noticed symptoms of mania. I made some questionable purchases before deleting the amazon app and pausing my bank card. I’m now the owner of a candle making kit, lip gloss making kit and eCommerce shop, oh and the yearly Yousician subscription I’m trying to look on the bright side. At least it wasn’t an acceleration programme for £4000 or a car for £5500. I’m still paying off that programme but I’m still in love with Mrs Betty Go (my beetle); I’m on level 2 piano and finding the daily practice quite relaxing, plus I’m about to launch that eComm, so £uck you bipolar and mania #winning.

I made it out of the house today and had a meal with my best friend. It was the first time in I don’t know how long. I’ve been a recluse for so long that it’s just normal for me to not see anyone but it was very much needed. I had forgotten how important social contact with friends is. While a phone call is nice that close fellowship is priceless.