Same sh!t, different day

At the start of July, I began having moments of anxiety which I managed to keep a handle on, but since the announcement on the lifting of lockdown measures, I’ve started feeling more anxious. While others felt alone in isolation, I was pleased to stay at home in my safe bubble.

Back to work?

I got the call from work saying things were getting back to normal. I told them I had to make arrangements for my son as schools are closed as are playschemes. I looked at nannies and childminders and realised these were entirely out of my price range as I would be spending more money to go to work. My employer mentioned half days, which I thought would make my search more straightforward, but I’m having doubts about leaving my son with a stranger. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m probably overthinking, but I’m not comfortable leaving him with someone I don’t know.

Same Sh!t, different day

I’ve started to repeat my old pattern of behaviour by avoiding the phone because I don’t want to have to explain. I feel embarrassed that I can’t leave my son and can’t muster the courage to tell my employer. I’m preparing myself for the loss of the much-needed job I finally got. I’m preparing myself to get back on the vacancy sites where I spend all day, looking, rewriting covering letters and completing application forms. I’m preparing myself for the rejection letters (which are courteous). I’m preparing myself for no response at all. I’m preparing myself to spend less and frugally. I’m thinking about subscriptions to cancel. I’m preparing myself for humbling myself in need of government assistance. I’m being presumptuous and hoping for the best case of unpaid leave until school resumes where I can get back to 9 to 5 (Same Sh!t, different day) in September. Although I liked the routine having a job gives me and reducing the debts (accumulated during hypomania) has been a welcome relief, but I was slipping into depression silently. The thought of being stuck in an office with no windows is making me feel more anxious.

Plan of action

I’ve been practising my breathing techniques, but I haven’t adequately left the house yet. I’ve tried a few times but can only manage a quick trip to the local shops. I’m anxious to be around larger groups of people, and the thought of being stuck in an office with no windows is making me feel suffocated. I have to get a handle on this somehow. I sometimes wonder if my reluctance to take medication is self-sabotage, but my past experiences help justify it in my mind. I feel stuck in a loop. Tonight I’m going to do a mind map and see how I feel tomorrow.